Miley Cyrus released her newest music video, “We Can’t Stop”, this week, and I had a few reactions. The first was “Miley, what the eff? I…what even is this?” Because, seriously, what is it?

Our terrifying, lucid dream begins with Miley using large toy scissors to cut off an ankle monitor. But she’s not ready to party just yet. She puts in her grill, an essential part of every party get-up (duh). Next comes the mean mugging and hair combing, obviously.

Someone at this party has smoke coming out of their crotch, which can’t be healthy, Miley is trying to pick a wedgie without getting out of bed, one of her friends is eating a Money Sandwich, like that’s a normal thing, and someone making a skull sculpture out of French Fries.  Miley is chewing gum, and all I can think is “I hope she took her grill out first” because I imagine that it wouldn’t be hard for gum to get stuck in there.

Someone cuts off their fingers, but not really, but if they did, their blood is Pepto Bismol and they should go to the doctor. I bet Crotch Smoke and Pepto Bismol Blood could ride together. Of course, no music video is complete until someone dances with a giant teddy bear strapped to their back.

Then (I guess it’s part of the chorus) a creepy as hell, First Stage of Animation head, is saying something, and I feel like I’m literally in a haunted house planned by Ozzy Osborne and decorated by the trendiest of tweens.  Or if Urban Outfitters threw up on the creepiest of Fun Houses.

It’s time to get to TWERK. No, but really, there’s twerking (which Miley has found she’s good at). And after you twerk, you deserve a dip in the pool, and maybe a little romance, which she finds with a life size (if you’re five) Barbie.

The video ends with basically more of the same, but throw in some guy rubbing bread on his face while lying in said bread, Miley in an adult onesie, wrestling, and a party that ends on the roof where she forgot half her clothes.

My first thoughts when it ends are not really even thoughts, just blank stares wondering what on earth just happened. Is this what Miley’s parties are like? If so, I do not want to go to there. It looks legitimately terrifying and I would fully expect AT LEAST one person in attendance to need medical attention at some point. And what was with all the bread? My first thought is maybe there’s a deeper meaning, maybe something to do with money, but truthfully, I just think it’s weird.

The whole thing seems like the kind of club Stefon from Weekend Update would go to. “New York’s hottest club is MILEY CAN’T STOP. Founded by former Disney Channel Star, Tranna Montana, and located in a Dumpster on the upper lower East West Side, this club has everything: twerking, Miley Cyrus, FRENCH FRY SKULLS, a “My Size Barbie” that’s making out with EVERYONE, and teddy bear back packs.”

I kind of like the song. It’s catchy, and I think it’ll be one of the Songs of Summer. But the music video isn’t something I’d show to anyone under the age of 18. Which is, or at least a few years ago was, a bulk of her fan base. She’s definitely evolved as an artist, in some very interesting ways. But it seems like Miley is on an ever evolving quest to prove that she’s a grown up. Trust us, Miles…we get it. We see you. I can see how hard she’s trying to be taken seriously, and to overcome the image of her as Hannah Montana. But Not Being Hannah Montana doesn’t mean a total rejection of everything Hannah Montana. Being a grown up isn’t all fun and games, sometimes you have to twerk, I mean, work. Adulthood doesn’t mean being super sexual just because you can.  She did warn us that she Can't Be Tamed (which is also a song about my hair.) The thing is, she is a legitimately talented artist (The Climb) who has ultimately nothing to prove to anybody, talent wise. I can’t quite figure out why she seems so desperate to prove that she’s “grown up”. It’s really easy to be sexual in order to gain recognition in Hollywood, but it’s easy for your talent to be overshadowed by overt and not so Subtle Sexuality (how great is Erin in this?) I just don’t think she’s going to have The Best Of Both Worlds if she wants to be seen as an adult and a serious musical artist by her peers and her fans.

One thing is for sure: Hannah Montana has left the building.

What do you think about Miley’s new music video? [link at the top]

Kathryn Garvin is [technically] an adult human being who has a degree in History from the University of Georgia. She doesn't want to hear you say a word against Batman, and she's kind of a coffee snob [oh brother] because she worked at a coffee shop in Athens for 11 months. She likes expressing her opinions, trivia, and long walks on the moon. 

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